The topic of success and failure comes up a lot with my coaching clients at the moment. For many people (myself included) a hugely significant step in our development is to fully embrace and integrate the nature of failure – in specific projects, certain areas of life, and ultimately our intrinsic failure as human beings!
At first this may seem shocking or shameful. Or something simply impossible to embrace. Surely life is about seeking success, growing, learning advancing, and avoiding failure as far as we can?
Not so it seems.
When I first came consciously face to face with my own intrinsic failure (thanks to Peter Koenig, the wonderfully provocative founder of the Money Workshop), I sobbed for about 24 hours. It felt dramatic, embarrassing, extremely shameful. And – in those first moment of consciously encountering that part of myself, almost impossibly huge.
And yet...
The relief of embracing failure
In the sobbing was a recognition and also a huge relief. In time the relief gave way to pleasure. The simple, liberating and delightful pleasure of really knowing one’s inherent failure – without fear, denial or shame.
Before I go further, let me emphasise that consciously acknowledging and integrating my inherent human failure, does not make me more of a failure than I already was. Nor does it decrease the deep truth of my inherent human success. Integrating our intrinsic failure is in no way about self-judgement, self-criticism or self-hatred. It is, as it turns out, quite the opposite; a pleasure to be embraced and a gateway to self-kindness, as well as a sense of humour.
Here are some things I notice in myself, and in coaching clients, once we have moved beyond the shame, denial or avoidance of our failure, into accepting, and experiencing, it simply for what it is:
- The continual pressure of having to be successful, to be good enough, to not screw up dissipates and dissolves. Typically, we have no idea how much pressure there was until it’s gone. Integrating our innate failure, leads to a great deal of peace and relaxation.
- We become more relaxed and less anxious in our work and life, letting go of performance anxiety. For me this made me a better coach and facilitator. Knowing with certainty that I am already a failure, and definitely ‘not good enough’, I have no need to force results to happen for anyone. I can finally let go of my hidden ambition and aggression. And voila – surprisingly I become more present, more open, more spontaneous. Not to mention more fun. And from there often emerges exactly what the client or group needs!
- We perceive others with more compassion. Many people I coach and advise want to change the world in some way – usually for well-articulated, intelligent and valuable reasons. Yet there is often a hidden lack of compassion, a subtle judgement or resentment of the world as it is. The system is ‘failing’, our leaders and politicians are ‘not good enough’. These judgments carry a lot of projection. Once we know ourselves also to be failures and not good enough, and can relax with that, we can see the world – and all its problems – with more gentleness and compassion. We also accept that – being failures and not good enough, we cannot save the world (whatever that means)! Paradoxically, this makes our change work more fluid, creative and elegant.
- We are also a lot nicer to ourselves. No longer needing to drive myself to avoid failure, nor beat myself up because secretly I think I am one, I can move through my own life with more compassion, grace and ease. I already know that whatever happens I am not ‘good enough’, so now I can do and say whatever I like! The truth of my failure is now a pleasure to be embraced, rather than a secret to be hidden.
I wonder how this sounds? I wonder what it touches in you as you read?
Maybe it sounds stupid, nonsensical and ridiculous. That is fine. I already know I am not good enough and a failure, so there is no problem at all if I write something ridiculous, stupid and unsuccessful. In fact, if I was worried about having to be successful, I would not be able to complete this piece of writing. Another paradox.
Great historical figures as (wonderful and inspiring) failures
To change our relationship to success / failure in our inner life, it is helpful to reflect on role models. Can we see that the nature of success and failure is more complex, intertwined and surprising than we usually imagine?
Take great historic or religious figures – Buddha, Christ, Gandhi. Failures the lot of them!
- Buddha saw from the very beginning that it was impossible to convey to most people the depths of his insight. He couldn’t do it. Yet he did what he could regardless.
- Christ died for our sins and taught about love and forgiveness. Yet here we all still are sinning, dropping bombs on each other and turning away from the divine every day. Even the son of God was a failure!
- The ‘Great Soul’ Gandhi got the Brits out of India. Yet had to accept the division of the country and lived through (and died because of) the conflict between Muslims and Hindus that emerged. This inspiring, noble, courageous man failed in his basic task.
- Even Ben Stokes* is, in the end, a failure. Some of his very finest, heroic innings led only to series draws and not victory. He has dodgy knees, can’t bowl any more, and a first class average under 50!
It is healthy to reflect that great figures, and we mere mortals alike, are all blessed with the truth of inevitable human failure, (and also intrinsic human success). And that nothing, no outer victory or apparent calamity can ever take either of those aspects of being away from us.
The surprising power of embracing failure
The Buddhist Mahayana path includes something called the Bodhisattva vow. This vow expresses one’s commitment to live a life that benefits others. One part of the vow says:
“Sentient beings are limitless; I vow to save them all”.
It is literally impossible to help limitless numbers of beings.
Failure is baked in to that very vow. The moment we make it we know it is utterly impossible.
Yet taking the vow is an immensely beautiful and also a practically powerful thing. Because of the interconnected nature of the world, and of our actions, words and thoughts, merely making this impossible vow, the vow that ensures our failure, we change the universe in a way that does indeed bring benefit to the whole. It is also humbling to commit to something that we know must end in failure.
As humans we will and do all fail at simple and deep levels. We fail to live our full potential, to create the world we truly long for, to bring about world peace, to simply go a whole day without being an irritating pain in the arse to someone we love.
Our choice is not between success or failure. That way lies endless anxiety, pressure, judgement and staleness.
Our choice is between fighting our failure and clinging to signs of success, or truly relaxing into the ever present truth, and the pleasure of each.
Reflecting on your failure
As we head towards winter solstice, the shortest darkest day of the year, spend some time reflecting on the pleasure of failure.
Where are you failing right now?
Where in your life, work and relationships are you not good enough?
Try to let the thought and judgement fall away. See if you can connect with the experience of the truth of failure in your life.
Are you able to find anything there to appreciate?
In the actual experience, what could you find that is valuable to you?
C.G. Jung famously said, “I would rather be whole than good”.
Our intrinsic failure and our natural success are both simply parts of what it is to be a human. To be here, now, is not possible without both being present.
We can fight that, or we can embrace it.
I find with clients trying to do difficult, impressive, wonderful things in the world that, paradoxically, consciously embracing failure and ‘not good enough-ness’ becomes a gateway into tremendous power and possibility.
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Notes:
*Ben Stokes is the current England test cricket team captain. Many who follow that particular path have no problem at all placing him in a list of historical saints, miracle workers and mythical heroes.